Sex In The Sticks

Here’s a thought….

I had a chat with an old friend (blast from the past) that made me think about what kind of relationship I’m really looking for…and not only that , but what kind of relationship is actually realistic.

 I’ve  imagined that I would meet someone that made my heart stop at the sight of him, not because of his dashing good looks, but because he was my other half. We would finish each others sentences.. because..we were meant to be. We would  have a deep passionate connection…not only as lovers, but in our life together. We would encourage each other in our goals and never stop growing together. I’m afraid that I have watched one to many chick flicks..ugh!

Anyhoo! this friend (who we will call…Billy) and I were together at some point everyday, not only that we lived together.  We  had a good time together , we had intelligent (for the most part) conversation and we could just “be” around each other. . What I’m saying is that we were an effortless duo,. Not a couple , although many thought we were.

The “Meet Cute”…We met because my roommate was dating his roommate Billy and I were the only ones with a  car, so every weekend we would play chauffeur driving  the love birds back and forth. After awhile of being around each other we just got used to each other. There were no romantic expectations when we met.. so we were able to just be ourselves. Billy  and I teased each other,got on each others nerves, and called each other on our b.s. We didn’t start hanging out like in the beginning of a first date, you know, where both people are nervous and just hoping they don’t put their foot in their mouth.  Now, I will admit we did end up taking it to more intimate situations, but even without that in the equation..there was no denying that there was something between us.  Faux relationship or not, looking back I wonder if that’s what real adult relationships are supposed to be like?

Then there is Con Man.  Which I will just say we definitely have sexual chemistry and in the beginning of our affair I did enjoy the fact that he , for lack of a better word, worshiped me…but, anyone who really knows me can agree..that’s not me. However, anyone who has a heartbeat knows that feeling adored, hearing that you are the sexiest thing they have ever seen, that you make their life better, and of course the amazing romps  in the sack ..can sway an otherwise good judgement. When all is said and done Con- Man and have a sexual connection…but I don’t see anything beyond that. 

When I’m with my friends  I can be ridiculous, goofy,and many other aspects of “me”.I’m comfortable with them they know me, and they love me..despite my faults…shouldn’t it be that way in any relationship?

I have observed a couple different relationships and have noticed that the ones that seem to be doing the best don’t have chemistry that everyone can see, there is no continuous groping each other in public to “display” their affection..they don’t have to prove how into each other they are and as far as I know.. they started out as friends.

 I felt comfortable and able to be myself with both men. I wonder though, how often do any of us confuse comfort for that four letter word?…. L.O.V.E

Dad took Con-Man Ice fishing…oh yah that’s right. Though the ice is a perfect place to hide a body..my dad brought him back in one piece. How did this happen? A month ago my dad is hating the idea of us being together.. I will tell you how this  happened.

My brother was supposed to get married Jan 23..a week from today in fact.  We all thought this was the worst of all bad ideas..!! even my friends who would listen to me  talk about  the “blessed day” were in agreement. Anyhoo,  about mid Dec. they called it off, not just called it off they went out with a BANG!! Needless to say it did not end on a good note.  The day after my brothers relationship is yet again swirling around in hell…My dad tells me that he would like to take Con-Man ice fishing..huh? I didn’t argue, I thanked him for giving him a chance, then immediately called Con-Man to ask him if he would like to go. ..It was funny because he said “Right..me..your dad..and miles of nothing all around..is this really a good idea?” Well they went.. and they both had a good time..awesome right!.  hmm. I don’t know.? I’m not going to quiz my dad on exactly why he changed his mind, considering it was a bumpy ride to get there. I think that he changed his mind because he desperately wants one of us to get married.. in fact! he told me “After all of this.. you could go ahead and marry Con-Man ” Huh? What does my brothers failed relationships have to do with my relationships? My relationships aren’t always as serious as my brothers..I don’t feel the need to jump from one serious relationship to the next. 

The thing about all of this now is that I was actually content  with Con-Man and just seeing each other..and not being a full on couple.

See, when I have a ,what I like to call my Special Friend..  I don’t bring them home to meet the family, I don’t take them to important functions, and I don’t talk about them..other than to my friends. I don’t do these things because if I do it blurs the entire agreement . Unfortunately I live in a small town and  hanging out with him got around to fast for me to do any damage control…  My affair had become the cover story for the B.F.E Tabloids!!  In all honestly I didn’t want to merge my two worlds. I have way to much going on to have a real life adult relationship! However since I was consorting with a ex-con , of which the other men in my life (dad and brothers) highly disapproved of..I would have to go about this a different way.  I could either continue to take shit from them…or introduce him to them all…God!! what we will go through for a good lay!! ugh!!

See thats  what Romeo and Juliet  is really about!! Those who have watched it know what I’m talking about!! It’s about getting laid…these two horny teenagers saw each other for but  moment and  instantly fell “in love”. It’s, about lust not love. A lust that destroyed entires families. How I long for the days of my unattatched casual encounters.

I will admit that I fell for that feeling with Con-Man , and here is where the truth comes out..I did tell him that I loved him. What was I thinking. I thought that after all this time I would be able to know what love is..that I wouldn’t just throw those powerful words around so easily. Especially after my last relationship..the one where Mr. Sex Adict  told me he loved me but didn’t want to get any closer.. I feel like an asshole because I find myself in the exact same situation..except for this time I’m on the other end of it. 

I do care for Con Man but truthfully we don’t have much in common at all..that is why he was my Special Friend , because sex was our common ground. Yes he is sweet to me , but it takes more than that to have a relationship.  He told me that if his past got in the way of my future that he would understand if I didn’t want to be with him anymore..uhg.. the martyr card. It isn’t that HE would get in my way or take me down..I just know that  that I don’t want ANY serious relationship now. I want to commit to myself..I want to get my life in order before I start sharing it with someone else. I’m almost there!! and I’m not going to fall into a rut again. I know the person I really need to be honest with now is… Myself.

For the last few months after I had had a “discussion” with my dad about Con-man,   I haven’t even mentioned him whatsoever!!. The discussion I had with my dad was like every other conversations I have TRIED to have they involve me trying to explain my side and open up his mind just the tinniest little bit…Unsuccesful and exhausting! I spend most of my time defending my choices rather and continuously aking him “Don’t you trust me?” I must say I’m more than sick of it.  I have decided that my dad is a true Mind Ninja ! The only way it usually ends it at the time where I don’t even know what point I was trying to make, conversations with that man are  like a tree.. we start at the root of the problem..the somehow we are talking about the leaves.  Anyhoo.

I try to put myself in my dad’s shoes..really I do. I know that it must be hard to see your only daughter consorting with an ex inmate, however I believe that people can change, some don’t I’m aware of this…But i’m NOT going to play the judge in this situation. I have spent enough time with Con-Man to know that he won’t hurt me, and althoug rough on the surface..he has been sweet to me. We have had our discussions about him not going back to his old ways, about getting back on his feet, and other important things that would indeed effect me and my life if we were to continue to carry on this “relationship”. I say it that way because although I feel very close to him, I still have part of my wall up..just a safety precaussion. Back to the main point…oh! and along those lines. My dad insists that Con-Man is using me..wow thanks dad! Thank you for having so much faith in me and my choices that you would really believe that I would still allow shit like that to happen to me. Dad again tries to reassure me that He does have faith in me..”It’s just him I don’t trust!” Ok. I get it he doesn’t trust him…Well it’s pretty damn hard to trust someone if you don’t know them. And maybe it wouldn’t hurt to TRY and chat with him, instead of making snap judgements based on gossip that you hear about the man! Things that people remember from 5 or 6 years ago..when yes.. Con-Man was someone that , without a doubt..I wouldn’t be with.  But my overly protective father will keep his feet stuck in the cement on this one… In fact he straight up told me..” I won’t ever forget the way he looked at ME”… Wht look that was, I’m not exactly sure.. But I could assume that it was most likely a look of being completely uncomfortable. Either way..my dad uses the “”Nobody gets the second chance to make a first impression”  I’am seriously at a loss.

I started seeing Con Man a few months ago….it was  at our dept. summer party. You know that saying..when you least expect it..well that was this day. I was just happy to be at the lake, in the sun and water…not trying to impress anyone..just there for a good time. Any hoo. He just got out of prison about a month earlier, I knew this before I had even met him, the girls in the office were buzzing about the last party at  K.Gs’ and “how hot!” her brother was brother. Muscles, tatoo’s..the whole “bad boy” package. Now although  I do like someone with “mileage” I never saw myself dating an ex-con.  It’s not that I think that they are lower than I..or that they don’t deserve me. I in fact have a cousin that was in prison for pretty much the same thing..and he is a good man with a good heart now and has left that b.s in the past. It is for this reason…

 I have made the same plans over and over..and each time I almost get to the home stretch..a man falls into my lap.. I end up giving my all…and forgetting about the plans and goals that I have made!  Over the last couple years it has got better..I realize that this pattern has snuck up one to many times, and have made a strong effort to make sure that it does not continue. Not only that, but I seem to be attracted to men with a past,  something that they have had to overcome..something that “made them stronger”.  That is why I think I fell into Con Man’s arms.  I was at his sisters house almost eveyday for 2 weeks after I met him. I know that the sex was a big reason for me, but at the same time..I felt strangely, commfortable and safe with him. I hadn’t been held like that in months…and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Of course..my ego fed off of him too, he told me how much he loved spending time with me, how gorgeuos I was, and how he felt at home with me..that I made HIM want to be better. I soaked it up!  But before I knew it this mini affair turned into an almost dating situation.

When we hit the 2 weeks..I freaked out. He told me that he was falling for me..then..he told me “you make me want to love again” oye!! Way..to..soon!! And not just to soon, but I really thought that we were just having fun, that we were both at a point in our lives that we needed to be single..but have someone to call when we needed “it”.  I felt bad about having to push him back..but I just can’t go through the “my plans can wait” pattern again..NO WAY. He asked me what I was afraid of..I told him exactly what I’ve been ranting about. “I’m afraid that I will get so wrapped up in you..and your transition back into the real world..that I will put my plans and dreams on the backburner…” He did get a little bajiggity..and of course I did feel bad for hurting him.  But..”A womans gotta do, what a woman’s gotta do. After the initial blow to the ego ..he understood. We’ve been seeing each other casually since then.

Now, all while writing , I’ve been thinking..women still have to choose. If you want to focus on your career or just put your attention on any sort of goal..we have to decide which one will have to suffer..and which one will be the one to flourish.  It’s nice to have someone there to hold you, to cuddle with and to “play” with..but There definately needs to be an agreement of what is actually taking place. I also realized that in the past I had been so afraid of hurting someone that I completely diregaurded my feelings and my ambitions. And now I find that being independent and standing firm in ones needs is the only way to get what you want..simple I know..but those of us with a thick skull need to try all of the wrong ways before finding the right one.