Sex In The Sticks

Two years ago…I met him..

I was working as a cashier at the casino in my hometown…one of the dealers told me that there was some guy here working on the new casino being built..only here until completion. She told me he was my type ans if it was alright to send him over to ask me out.. I will say that I was. The weekend arrived.. he came to my window..and asked me out..after just a few minutes of talking to him the age concern flew out the window.

Was one of the two best dates I’ve ever had..we clicked, he was funny, considerate and just…Awesome for lack of a better word. He (who we will call Lloyd) txt me after I got home and expressed the same thing I was thinking at that moment ….BEST DATE…and” I would like to see you again”…                                                                                                                                                                                                           Butterflies!

We had a wonderful few months, alhtough I knew he was leaving..and this was only supposed to be an affair.. I had done the worst!! I had fallen for him. I told myself not to go in too far.. but it happened nonetheless. It seems the more my mind would focus on not falling for him…another part of me would sneak off and continue falling . Drama aside we had a great time together. When he was about to leave I did what I do.. I was angry at him.. for no reason other than I had to be..I had to be so I wouldn’t feel how much it hurt to see him leave. I thought I will never see him again.

I went on with my life.. dated here and there a few casual encounters also…then I get a call.

 A year later.. around the same time that my latest ( and serious) relationship was fizzling out..He called me and told me he would be in tow topick up some of his things that he left behind.. and he wanted to get together. Of course I was thrilled, and I much needed to see him.. someone who could remind me of how priceless I was.. Anyhoo long story short Lloyd and I had a great night and of course slept together..but then the morning came.. and he was gone again.

I knew I would go on with my life as before but this time I thought I will truly never ever see him again…you guessed it.. another year later he called and said he would be coming for a visit around jun or july…yet he was not coming to pick anything up OR for work. he was coming to see me!!  Shocked of course..but very excited to see him!

 Question?! Why do  two people that live so far from each other.. and have such a connection when together that it feels as if no time has passed, that continue to go on with there lives and date other people in between visits…why have we done this to ourselves? I asked him ” Do you feel as though you are just dating these women to pass time..until our situations can allow us to be together”…in so many words of course.. I dont think I asked him like.

We had a great night again..as if no time had passed.. and then of course I knew this was it.. once a year visits..but how long can this go on really? What if someday down the road I’m in a serious relationship.. and he comes to me and says “I want us to be together.. for reals”?

We had chatted a few times on facebook and I really thought nothing of it.

So I’m in Denver visiting my friends and he calls..

“Hey I’m gonna drop a bomb on you..are you ready?”..ok so I’m thinking he’s met someone and we are just done.. nope!

“Instead of you moving to Denver.. why don’t you move here to Utah?”

Did not see that coming… I told him it was alot to take in.. and that I would still like to move to Denver but that we should at least see each other more often.. since then I have only got a voicemail from him saying our plans were not going to work out for our recent visit.. I hate talking on the phone with “my men” just how I’m.

As of now I still plan my move to Denver.. and i’m still not sure that in a real relationship things would be as wonderful as they were during our breif encounters… we will see .

OK! Let me first say that I’m smarter than this, I have a good head on my shoulders..or I thought I did!! ugh….So why in the hell am I staying in this joke of a “relationship” ?WHY?

I will tell you why..it’s because I feel bad..I feel guilty! and its nobodys fault but my own.

 I was talking with one of the ladies in my class, who is about 50 plus so she has some miles under her belt, anyhoo. We were talking about Con Man, of course because she asked if I was seeing anyone. .. I don’t bring him up because then people ask questions..and I don’t like to answer them…god that sounds horrible…that should be a sign in itself. Back to the main point. She told me that at my age  she had a boyfriend  who had been out of prison for a short time before they met, and that she had the same issue’s with him as I’m experiencing now..and she told me to get out NOW! Not because he is a  bad person, but because he is bad for me we are not at the same point in our lives. It makes sense on many levels..I’m 28..and although Con-Man is several years older than me, it’s like when he went into the clink he was frozen at that age and in numbers is older..but in real life he has not really grown..sometimes I feel he is younger than I’m.

I know, I know..if you know me and are reading this you want to come over here and slap some sense into me.. I beg of you! don’t fight the urge!!

For the most part my life right now is good..school is good, work is..well I have a job so I guess work is good, and..well my family is always a damn tornado and I’m beginning  to accept that lol. But I’m not the person I know I’m when I’m with him..I’m not happy!

Any little thing he does grates on my nerves, he gropes me WAAAAY too much, he mopes when I’m f**king exhausted and don’t feel like having sex (not sure if that’s normal) and when did it become alright  to answer a question with a suckle to the neck?! 

here it is the moment of truth..I have to COMPLETELY END IT~!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I’am sooooo tired..really physically exhausted I cannot be spreading myself so thin that I have nothing left for myself!! I haven’t worked out since NOVEMBER!!  

“…you take it all until it’s not enough…you’ll be the DEATH OF ME!” – Red

Here’s a thought….

I had a chat with an old friend (blast from the past) that made me think about what kind of relationship I’m really looking for…and not only that , but what kind of relationship is actually realistic.

 I’ve  imagined that I would meet someone that made my heart stop at the sight of him, not because of his dashing good looks, but because he was my other half. We would finish each others sentences.. because..we were meant to be. We would  have a deep passionate connection…not only as lovers, but in our life together. We would encourage each other in our goals and never stop growing together. I’m afraid that I have watched one to many chick flicks..ugh!

Anyhoo! this friend (who we will call…Billy) and I were together at some point everyday, not only that we lived together.  We  had a good time together , we had intelligent (for the most part) conversation and we could just “be” around each other. . What I’m saying is that we were an effortless duo,. Not a couple , although many thought we were.

The “Meet Cute”…We met because my roommate was dating his roommate Billy and I were the only ones with a  car, so every weekend we would play chauffeur driving  the love birds back and forth. After awhile of being around each other we just got used to each other. There were no romantic expectations when we met.. so we were able to just be ourselves. Billy  and I teased each other,got on each others nerves, and called each other on our b.s. We didn’t start hanging out like in the beginning of a first date, you know, where both people are nervous and just hoping they don’t put their foot in their mouth.  Now, I will admit we did end up taking it to more intimate situations, but even without that in the equation..there was no denying that there was something between us.  Faux relationship or not, looking back I wonder if that’s what real adult relationships are supposed to be like?

Then there is Con Man.  Which I will just say we definitely have sexual chemistry and in the beginning of our affair I did enjoy the fact that he , for lack of a better word, worshiped me…but, anyone who really knows me can agree..that’s not me. However, anyone who has a heartbeat knows that feeling adored, hearing that you are the sexiest thing they have ever seen, that you make their life better, and of course the amazing romps  in the sack ..can sway an otherwise good judgement. When all is said and done Con- Man and have a sexual connection…but I don’t see anything beyond that. 

When I’m with my friends  I can be ridiculous, goofy,and many other aspects of “me”.I’m comfortable with them they know me, and they love me..despite my faults…shouldn’t it be that way in any relationship?

I have observed a couple different relationships and have noticed that the ones that seem to be doing the best don’t have chemistry that everyone can see, there is no continuous groping each other in public to “display” their affection..they don’t have to prove how into each other they are and as far as I know.. they started out as friends.

 I felt comfortable and able to be myself with both men. I wonder though, how often do any of us confuse comfort for that four letter word?…. L.O.V.E

Dad took Con-Man Ice fishing…oh yah that’s right. Though the ice is a perfect place to hide a body..my dad brought him back in one piece. How did this happen? A month ago my dad is hating the idea of us being together.. I will tell you how this  happened.

My brother was supposed to get married Jan 23..a week from today in fact.  We all thought this was the worst of all bad ideas..!! even my friends who would listen to me  talk about  the “blessed day” were in agreement. Anyhoo,  about mid Dec. they called it off, not just called it off they went out with a BANG!! Needless to say it did not end on a good note.  The day after my brothers relationship is yet again swirling around in hell…My dad tells me that he would like to take Con-Man ice fishing..huh? I didn’t argue, I thanked him for giving him a chance, then immediately called Con-Man to ask him if he would like to go. ..It was funny because he said “Right..me..your dad..and miles of nothing all around..is this really a good idea?” Well they went.. and they both had a good time..awesome right!.  hmm. I don’t know.? I’m not going to quiz my dad on exactly why he changed his mind, considering it was a bumpy ride to get there. I think that he changed his mind because he desperately wants one of us to get married.. in fact! he told me “After all of this.. you could go ahead and marry Con-Man ” Huh? What does my brothers failed relationships have to do with my relationships? My relationships aren’t always as serious as my brothers..I don’t feel the need to jump from one serious relationship to the next. 

The thing about all of this now is that I was actually content  with Con-Man and just seeing each other..and not being a full on couple.

See, when I have a ,what I like to call my Special Friend..  I don’t bring them home to meet the family, I don’t take them to important functions, and I don’t talk about them..other than to my friends. I don’t do these things because if I do it blurs the entire agreement . Unfortunately I live in a small town and  hanging out with him got around to fast for me to do any damage control…  My affair had become the cover story for the B.F.E Tabloids!!  In all honestly I didn’t want to merge my two worlds. I have way to much going on to have a real life adult relationship! However since I was consorting with a ex-con , of which the other men in my life (dad and brothers) highly disapproved of..I would have to go about this a different way.  I could either continue to take shit from them…or introduce him to them all…God!! what we will go through for a good lay!! ugh!!

See thats  what Romeo and Juliet  is really about!! Those who have watched it know what I’m talking about!! It’s about getting laid…these two horny teenagers saw each other for but  moment and  instantly fell “in love”. It’s, about lust not love. A lust that destroyed entires families. How I long for the days of my unattatched casual encounters.

I will admit that I fell for that feeling with Con-Man , and here is where the truth comes out..I did tell him that I loved him. What was I thinking. I thought that after all this time I would be able to know what love is..that I wouldn’t just throw those powerful words around so easily. Especially after my last relationship..the one where Mr. Sex Adict  told me he loved me but didn’t want to get any closer.. I feel like an asshole because I find myself in the exact same situation..except for this time I’m on the other end of it. 

I do care for Con Man but truthfully we don’t have much in common at all..that is why he was my Special Friend , because sex was our common ground. Yes he is sweet to me , but it takes more than that to have a relationship.  He told me that if his past got in the way of my future that he would understand if I didn’t want to be with him anymore..uhg.. the martyr card. It isn’t that HE would get in my way or take me down..I just know that  that I don’t want ANY serious relationship now. I want to commit to myself..I want to get my life in order before I start sharing it with someone else. I’m almost there!! and I’m not going to fall into a rut again. I know the person I really need to be honest with now is… Myself.

For the last few months after I had had a “discussion” with my dad about Con-man,   I haven’t even mentioned him whatsoever!!. The discussion I had with my dad was like every other conversations I have TRIED to have they involve me trying to explain my side and open up his mind just the tinniest little bit…Unsuccesful and exhausting! I spend most of my time defending my choices rather and continuously aking him “Don’t you trust me?” I must say I’m more than sick of it.  I have decided that my dad is a true Mind Ninja ! The only way it usually ends it at the time where I don’t even know what point I was trying to make, conversations with that man are  like a tree.. we start at the root of the problem..the somehow we are talking about the leaves.  Anyhoo.

I try to put myself in my dad’s shoes..really I do. I know that it must be hard to see your only daughter consorting with an ex inmate, however I believe that people can change, some don’t I’m aware of this…But i’m NOT going to play the judge in this situation. I have spent enough time with Con-Man to know that he won’t hurt me, and althoug rough on the surface..he has been sweet to me. We have had our discussions about him not going back to his old ways, about getting back on his feet, and other important things that would indeed effect me and my life if we were to continue to carry on this “relationship”. I say it that way because although I feel very close to him, I still have part of my wall up..just a safety precaussion. Back to the main point…oh! and along those lines. My dad insists that Con-Man is using me..wow thanks dad! Thank you for having so much faith in me and my choices that you would really believe that I would still allow shit like that to happen to me. Dad again tries to reassure me that He does have faith in me..”It’s just him I don’t trust!” Ok. I get it he doesn’t trust him…Well it’s pretty damn hard to trust someone if you don’t know them. And maybe it wouldn’t hurt to TRY and chat with him, instead of making snap judgements based on gossip that you hear about the man! Things that people remember from 5 or 6 years ago..when yes.. Con-Man was someone that , without a doubt..I wouldn’t be with.  But my overly protective father will keep his feet stuck in the cement on this one… In fact he straight up told me..” I won’t ever forget the way he looked at ME”… Wht look that was, I’m not exactly sure.. But I could assume that it was most likely a look of being completely uncomfortable. Either way..my dad uses the “”Nobody gets the second chance to make a first impression”  I’am seriously at a loss.

I started seeing Con Man a few months ago….it was  at our dept. summer party. You know that saying..when you least expect it..well that was this day. I was just happy to be at the lake, in the sun and water…not trying to impress anyone..just there for a good time. Any hoo. He just got out of prison about a month earlier, I knew this before I had even met him, the girls in the office were buzzing about the last party at  K.Gs’ and “how hot!” her brother was brother. Muscles, tatoo’s..the whole “bad boy” package. Now although  I do like someone with “mileage” I never saw myself dating an ex-con.  It’s not that I think that they are lower than I..or that they don’t deserve me. I in fact have a cousin that was in prison for pretty much the same thing..and he is a good man with a good heart now and has left that b.s in the past. It is for this reason…

 I have made the same plans over and over..and each time I almost get to the home stretch..a man falls into my lap.. I end up giving my all…and forgetting about the plans and goals that I have made!  Over the last couple years it has got better..I realize that this pattern has snuck up one to many times, and have made a strong effort to make sure that it does not continue. Not only that, but I seem to be attracted to men with a past,  something that they have had to overcome..something that “made them stronger”.  That is why I think I fell into Con Man’s arms.  I was at his sisters house almost eveyday for 2 weeks after I met him. I know that the sex was a big reason for me, but at the same time..I felt strangely, commfortable and safe with him. I hadn’t been held like that in months…and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Of course..my ego fed off of him too, he told me how much he loved spending time with me, how gorgeuos I was, and how he felt at home with me..that I made HIM want to be better. I soaked it up!  But before I knew it this mini affair turned into an almost dating situation.

When we hit the 2 weeks..I freaked out. He told me that he was falling for me..then..he told me “you make me want to love again” oye!! Way..to..soon!! And not just to soon, but I really thought that we were just having fun, that we were both at a point in our lives that we needed to be single..but have someone to call when we needed “it”.  I felt bad about having to push him back..but I just can’t go through the “my plans can wait” pattern again..NO WAY. He asked me what I was afraid of..I told him exactly what I’ve been ranting about. “I’m afraid that I will get so wrapped up in you..and your transition back into the real world..that I will put my plans and dreams on the backburner…” He did get a little bajiggity..and of course I did feel bad for hurting him.  But..”A womans gotta do, what a woman’s gotta do. After the initial blow to the ego ..he understood. We’ve been seeing each other casually since then.

Now, all while writing , I’ve been thinking..women still have to choose. If you want to focus on your career or just put your attention on any sort of goal..we have to decide which one will have to suffer..and which one will be the one to flourish.  It’s nice to have someone there to hold you, to cuddle with and to “play” with..but There definately needs to be an agreement of what is actually taking place. I also realized that in the past I had been so afraid of hurting someone that I completely diregaurded my feelings and my ambitions. And now I find that being independent and standing firm in ones needs is the only way to get what you want..simple I know..but those of us with a thick skull need to try all of the wrong ways before finding the right one.